Too many parents have felt the need to be unnecessarily hard on their children in order to prepare them for a harsh world. Our homes became our battlefields and the “harsh world” almost starts to feel like an escape in comparison. These parents are ready to do anything for their kids except let them be themselves. It is hard for these children to go through even the very basic daily life routines. When they grow up hearing others kids their age talk about how supportive their families are while they are basically struggling through life. Many emotionally abused children grow up to be adults who are afraid to take risks of striking out on their own. Many will remain dependent on their controlling parents; some leave their abusive parents only to get attached to a similar controlling partner; and others leave their parents and develop a lifelong fear from such attachment leading to a choice to live on their own. Such parents don’t even notice how they are destroying their children’s self-esteem gradually.
It is said that repeating the same pattern for at least 21 days is enough to form a habit. Parents have been imposing their beliefs about life on you since you were born, that’s more than enough to establish a habit. In the guise of caring, this is how they satisfy their need to control you. A parent’s goal should be to prepare their child for the future, not to make them like themselves. In their perspective, they are raising individuals to show respect. The respect which resonates more with fear in the eyes of their child. The yearning for freedom is so strong that the child starts lying, and before he can understand it becomes a part of his character.
Once you start to pull away and heal, you will become a threat to their entire existence. The parents will accuse you of being manipulated by someone else – may be your education, or may be the career that made you independent & gave you the courage to stand up against them. Healing from this toxicity will not start by saying “NO” to them, it will start by saying “YES” to yourself. Remember, this is not a revenge! The urge to do something rebellious to annoy them will always be very strong. But don’t give in to it – you won’t get any peace out of it. Find things that you genuinely want to do and start working for them. Go with your instincts and set your own values – the values which you wish to follow without giving any second thought. It might not be possible to physically isolate yourself from them. So learn to control your anger and talk calmly. State your opinions ONLY when it is absolutely necessary to speak and state them only once – firm and clear once. Also remember that the people you can’t bear to take negative comments from, should not be considered for any positive feedbacks as well. This might just be another bait to get you on their side.
The sign of great parenting is not the child’s behavior. The sign of truly great parenting is the parent’s behavior.
Andy Smithson
Unsaid Words 