Most of the times, human beings are not cruel to each other in general. They don’t have any ulterior motives or villain like personalities. What they do have are control issues, unvented frustrations and misdirected anger problems. Their insecurities and powerlessness drive them to intimidate you. A bully always needs a target and if you are an easy one present in the room, you are trapped. They will shout at you – to make sure they are heard, they expose your weaknesses in front of others – so that they can shift the focus from their own. It’s fascinating to witness how quickly they calm down from their raging anger as soon as you surrender that YOU are in the wrong. It will make you question whether they were really angry or it was just a way to sabotage your self-esteem. You need to remind yourself that if they forget, even for a second, that you are a human, they are not to be trusted.
Always remember that kindness without honesty is manipulation. A very few people, including your close ones, have the heart to speak out the truth. When we are at our lowest, we tend to get tangled in the sugarcoated words. That expensive gift which is supposed to lift your mood, that little praise for all the work you do; all these sometimes can be more patronizing than you can decipher. Draw the line, know when you are exploited and DO NOT ignore any red flags on the way. People show us over and over again exactly who they are, and we look away the first hundred times or so, because it’s easier to look at someone and see what we want to see, instead of what’s really there. That’s okay. These things take time. One day you will take a long hard look and see what they show you the first time, and you will believe it. If you feel a man’s criticism for you unacceptable, then stay far away from all his applauds as well. It’s the whole package that matters!
One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.
Charles M. Blow
If you can relate to the following, please stop waiting for a miracle and take things in your hands now:
* You are called “too sensitive” for feeling the way you do.
* You have to spend time convincing them that your problems, concerns and feelings are real and justified; and it is exhausting.
* You have to explain to them, multiple times, to stop saying things that genuinely drown your soul.
* Even if they somehow coerce you to confide in them, your consternations will be repudiated harshly.
* In some cases, you will also sense a tone of derision in their voice. Sadly, we humans are very prone to become sadistic if we are not careful.
* When people find even a subtle change in your behavior, their first instinct is to monitor and micromanage you. It hurts to be treated like that from your own friends and family members, but there is nothing you can do other than leaving your expectations behind and move forward.
* Giving them multiple last chances just mean handing them one more bullet – to aim with more precision in case they missed the previous ones.
* In some rare cases, after a few traumatizing years they will finally show up. But may be now you are not the same person. You have become silent & distant, you have stopped trying to seek their validation now. People will choose to remember and recognize only the version of you that they held the most power over, no matter how long it’s been or how much you’ve changed. To your dismay, they will now be blaming you for not making enough efforts.
Growth is painful. Change is painful. But there’s nothing as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong. Dear you… you have spoken, listened, forgiven, and tried so hard. By then you realized that all this changed nothing, and you are just tired now. Everything around seems so loud, so overwhelmingly loud, that in order to protect yourself, you’ll start to shut down. You’ll retreat inside yourself. More than a choice, it becomes a necessity. It might or might not be a conscious decision, but it definitely is a sign that you have had enough. You need “deep rest” now. Accept it, don’t fight it. Give yourself time & space no matter how frightened you are by the surroundings. Only you would know when to surface again, so don’t let anyone else tell otherwise. Anything or anyone that left when you stand up for yourself, when you protect your boundaries, or when you begin to grow, was never meant to stay. You always lose a huge part of yourself when you have such experience in life. But as you heal, everyday you get more and more of yourself back, it might not be the same YOU, but it will feel better. And when you finally discover your self-worth, you will lose interest in anyone who doesn’t see it.
Unsaid Words 